When Your Parents Want to Plan Your Wedding (But You Don't Want Them To)

14 Mar, 2025
- Advice

There’s this weird thing that happens when you announce your engagement. Suddenly, everyone’s got an opinion – especially parents. The people who birthed you, raised you, or stepped in along the way now have very strong feelings about what flowers should be in your bouquet and whether your cousin’s new boyfriend should be invited.

I’ve seen thousands of couples navigate this minefield. Some emerge unscathed; others arrive at their wedding day with battle scars and frayed relationships. So let’s talk about managing your parents in wedding planning without turning your celebration into a diplomatic crisis.

The Host With the Most (Decision-Making Power)

First things first: a wedding is fundamentally an event that you and your partner are hosting. You’re inviting people to witness your marriage and celebrate with you. This isn’t some antiquated debutante ball where you’re being “presented to society” – you’re grown adults making a life-changing commitment.

That said, different family structures mean different planning dynamics:

Parents as Guests: You’re paying, you’re planning, they’re attending (and hopefully enjoying).
Parents as Contributors: They’re chipping in financially but you’re running the show.
Parents as Co-Hosts: They’re significantly contributing and want a seat at the planning table.
Parents as Primary Hosts: They’re footing most of the bill and feel entitled to call the shots.

The traditional “bride’s parents pay for everything” model is about as relevant today as fax machines. Modern weddings involve all sorts of financial arrangements across biological parents, step-parents, and the couple themselves.

If They Pay, Do They Get a Say?

Let’s be brutally honest: money often equals influence. If your parents are contributing financially, they’ll likely expect some input. This doesn’t mean surrendering control entirely, but acknowledging their stake is important.

However – and this is crucial – the people who experience the consequences should make the decisions. This principle applies to life broadly, but it’s especially relevant to your wedding.

You and your partner will live with the memories of your wedding forever. Your parents will too, but differently. If your mum insists on inviting her entire tennis club, you’re the one who’ll spend your wedding day making small talk with strangers instead of celebrating with people you love.

The Elopement Escape Hatch

Since COVID, elopements have gained social acceptance in ways they never had before. If navigating family expectations feels overwhelming, remember that eloping is a legitimate option. Your marriage isn’t about the party – it’s about the commitment.

I’ve married couples on mountaintops with just two witnesses and couples in ballrooms with 300 guests. Both types of ceremonies can be equally meaningful. What matters is that the decision aligns with who you are as a couple.

Finding Your Way Through

When parents get involved in wedding planning, I’ve found these strategies help manage expectations:

Be clear about your vision first: Before involving parents, know what matters to you and your partner. You can’t set boundaries around what you haven’t defined.
Assign specific responsibilities: Give parents areas where they can contribute without overwhelming the entire plan. Perhaps your dad can handle the bar arrangements while your step-mum coordinates the guest accommodations.
The “why” matters more than the “what”: When parents push for something, ask about the underlying value. Maybe your mum’s insistence on formal attire isn’t about the clothes but about honouring the significance of the day.
Pick your battles: Some hills aren’t worth dying on. If your step-dad is passionate about a particular whiskey for the toast and you don’t care, that’s an easy win for family harmony.

The Bigger Picture

Toymaker and author Roger von Oech observed that “the amount a person uses their imagination is inversely proportional to the amount of punishment they will receive for using it.” When wedding planning feels constrained by family expectations, creativity suffers.

Similarly, novelist Ian McEwan captured family dynamics perfectly: “Everyone nodded, nobody agreed.” Sometimes appearances of consensus mask deeper disagreements that emerge later in harmful ways.

Remember that you’re as old as the risks you take. Planning exactly the wedding your parents want might seem safe, but it risks the slow death of your authentic celebration. Youth is found in the energy of going for it, taking the risk, and trusting that you’ll figure it out.

The Beginning Sets the Tone

How you navigate wedding planning with parents establishes patterns for your married life. If you surrender your preferences entirely to keep the peace, you’re setting a precedent for future family dynamics involving holidays, children, and life decisions.

This isn’t about rebellion for its own sake. It’s about thoughtfully establishing that your marriage is its own sovereign entity while maintaining loving connections with family.

A Way Forward

Here’s my advice, distilled from watching thousands of couples navigate these waters:

Decide what you want to achieve with your wedding celebration.
Try different approaches to achieving it until you find what works.
Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
Don’t abandon your vision until it genuinely stops working for you.

It really is both this simple and this hard.

The most beautiful weddings I’ve been part of weren’t necessarily the most expensive or Pinterest-perfect. They were celebrations where everyone – couple, parents, guests – felt honoured and included in ways that remained true to the couple’s vision.

Your wedding marks the beginning of your marriage. That’s the prize worth keeping your eyes on. Not the perfect centrepieces or the ideal seating chart, but the relationship you’re committing to and celebrating.

A wedding lasts a day. A marriage, if we’re lucky, lasts a lifetime. Plan accordingly.

Photo by Andres Molina on Unsplash